i honestly don’t know how to put into words how i am feeling right now.  let me just say that i am growing and learning so much right now, but it is such a painful process. i know that what i am going through now is vital for me in order to shape my character on a continual basis.  

one of the major things i am dealing with is drawing the line of dependence vs. independence. since being in college i have grown to be a very independent person. i didn’t rely on others for too much of anything because of being hurt in the past and now i still find myself not being so dependent. along with that i felt that i was very dependent on the Lord even when times got tough, i would find myself going back to where my roots were.  lately i’ve been feeling that all of that has changed to a certain extent. i feel like i’ve been depending too much on people and not enough on the Lord. this really does scare me. i think the Lord wants to bring great people into my life but at the same time still finding that balance of being dependent on Him. but when i really think about it… if we’re suppose to be 100% reliant on God, is there any room to be dependent on people. obviously it is impossible to be fully reliant on a person but so much of the time that’s what we do because we can see them, feel them, hear them, etc. It is so easy for us to put all of our time and energy into that instead of the One who can truly fill our every need. Such a battle within myself but learning from it. i know the Lord has me and all those i hold so dear to my heart. 

the other part to this whole journey is learning every day what it means to walk in faith. walking without knowing where i’m going, jumping without knowing where i’ll land, doing without knowing why. a very special person taught me what faith truly meant over the summer and now i’m learning what it means for ME. it is not easy but i know it’s what i’m called to do and believe, especially during this time in my life. i don’t have all the answers and i never will, but i need to keep moving. need to keep taking risks and keep seeking the Lord in everything that i do. i learn more and more everyday what it means to be dependent but also independent. crazy paradigm. 

my heart has been full. full of so many feelings, emotions, aches, love, joy. no matter what the day brings, i choose joy. i choose deliverance and complete restoration. trust is the key factor that keeps me going everyday and a lot of times i need to remind myself how important it is. my focus is not on earthly things but on the heavenly kingdom. i know that the Lord’s favor is on my life but at the same time in order for His provision to be over me, i need to completely listen to what He is saying to me even if my own fleshly desires wants to do the opposite. how can i call on the name of the Lord if i am still doing my own thing? now that does not line up and it’s time to change. the Lord has me but i need to fully have the Lord. i have felt freedom within the last week which is so what i’ve been needing. i’m getting back in the swing of things even though it’s a difficult process.